Dick Madness 2013

It’s that time of the year again, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (even if you didn’t know it). It’s time for … Dick Madness!

Dick Madness is a tournament bracket that’s a takeoff of the US NCAA Basketball Tournament, which takes place in March and is thus called March Madness. I don’t really care too much about basketball, but I love voting and declaring winners, so we’re going on a quest:

           Blogspot, blogspot, on the wall

            Who’s the greatest Dick of all?

This is actually the second annual Dick Madness Tournament. Last year’s inaugural event took place exclusively on the blogspot blog (follow the links for Round 1, Round 2, Round3, Round 4, Round 5, and the Final Round), but this year I’m hosting it on both blogspot and Tumblr. Here’s hoping for more participation!

And now, allow me to introduce last year’s champion:

Richard III!!!!!!!!!

I was going to exclude Richard III from this year’s tournament (a king should not have to defend his title), but he ordered me to include him. I wouldn’t want to ignore the wishes of a king, so here is he. Besides, Richard’s had a pretty good year, what with his skeleton being found and all. You know, that could be attributed to a “Dicks I Have Studied Bump.” If Colbert can have a bump, I can, too.

But will Richard III be able to defend his title? His scoliosis-ridden spine is ready for a fight, but he’s facing some strong competition. Will we have a repeat of last year’s Richard III vs. Dick Grayson final? Will we have entirely new contenders? Only time – and your votes – will tell!

There are a couple of changes this year.

One: I’ll be putting the first round up in four phases. One of my friends (ahem!) said that 32 match-ups was too much for her. Consequently, round one will go up in four phases of 8 match-ups apiece. Today will be part 1, Saturday part 2, Sunday part 3, and Monday part 4. I will then post the full bracket on Tuesday. Final votes will be due by NOON Pacific Daylight Time on Sunday, March 10. [FYI: we are switching to Daylight Savings Time on that very Sunday!] I will then have round two ready to post Monday morning.

Two: unlike last year, I did not group the contenders by category. That did not go over so well last year. I had a category that was “kings” and matched up Richard II and Richard III. Obviously, Richard II never made it out of the first round. In fact, he didn’t get a single vote! Needless to say, he was right royally pissed off. I promised him that he would have an easier first round this year, and I like to think I kept my word.

To that end, I held a draw just like the NCAA or FIFA for the World Cup. This has given us some amusing match-ups, but also a few that make a modicum of sense. But most importantly, Richard II and Richard III are not facing each other in round one. What a relief!

Rest assured, this drawing was held with all due decorum (I mean, I’m not actually as corrupt as FIFA). It was supervised by Innocent III for moral rectitude (snort!) and William Shakespeare (because no one appreciates a dick joke quite like the Bard).

Okay, so maybe it’s because they are the only two action figures I own. But it was still a clean draw. My brother has a fabulous collection of Batman and Spiderman action figures but I didn’t use any of those because it could have tainted the results. Both Bats and Spidey have Dicks in this fight: Bruce Wayne/Batman has his youthful ward Dick Grayson and Peter Parker/Spiderman has his biological father Richard Parker.

So we’ve got totally random match-ups this year. It should be a good time!

Voting: like last year, you don’t have to vote for all the match-ups. I would love it if you did, but you can pick and choose if you so desire. To vote you can:

-e-mail your picks to me at dicksihavestudied@gmail.com

-leave them in the comments (blogspot)

-Ask-box message me (Tumblr)

-reblog and give your votes (Tumblr) if you don’t care about secrecy

I’m not particularly concerned about voter fraud, so if you want to vote anonymously twelve times, more power to you. As they said in the heyday of political bosses, “Vote early and often!”

ROUND ONE, PART 1

The Match-Ups (follow the links for the full write-ups)

Richard Turere vs. Dick van Dyke: Turere is a Kenyan teenager who developed a way to keep lions from attacking livestock. Dick van Dyke is an entertainer.

Richard Burton (actor) vs. Richard Pryor: Becket and Mark Anthony (and husband of Elizabeth Taylor) faces off against one of comedy’s greats.

Richard Burton (explorer) vs. Richard Loeb: explorer/official/pseudo-sexologist/racist is up against a young murderer

Richard Mansfield vs. Richard Grayson (author): a Victorian Shakespearean actor and possible Jack-the-Ripper suspect vs. modern-day author, writing professor, and humorous politician

Richard J. Riordan vs. Richard Parkes Bonington: former mayor of Los Angeles faces off against a painter

Richard Steiff vs. Richard Henry Lee: inventor of the teddy bear vs. a colonial Virginian who first suggested the US colonies declare independence from Great Britain

Richard Dragon vs. Richard Parker: Dragon is a fictional martial artist (or Kung Fu Master if it’s the 1970s) while Richard Parker could be any of the following: father of Peter Parker (Spiderman), the tiger from Life of Pi, a cannibalized sailor from a dreadful Edgar Allan Poe novel, or a cannibalized teenager sailor from real life

Richard Dadd vs. Richard Rolle: Dadd was a talented but mentally ill painter who murdered his father because he thought his father was the devil in disguise. Rolle was a medieval mystic who felt the fire of God’s love burning inside him (and he wrote some nice devotional literature). Dadd died in a Victorian insane asylum; Rolle died of the plague. I’m not sure which was worse.

So there you have it: Round One, Part One!

Don’t forget to vote!