Dick Madness Round Five!!!!!

The end is near, everyone! Only two more rounds to go (this one and the one next week). I didn’t fully realize that this contest would take so long; apparently, Dick Madness is a take-off of March-April Madness. Anyway, continued thanks to everyone who has voted. Your participation means a lot.

Only one of last week's four contests was in any way close: Richard Burbage vs. Charles Dickens. I have my reasons for breaking the tie the way I did and said reasons will be revealed below.

Over the weekend, I was watching some ESPN highlights with my Dad (well, he was watching them and my eyes were drawn to the bright lights of the television screen), and I learned that basketball has a Final Four (lame) while college hockey has the Frozen Four (cool). So maybe I should call this the … Flaccid Four? Hmm, probably too graphic. Maybe we’ll go with Freakin’ Fabulous Final Four. What I lack in creativity, I more than compensate for with alliteration.

I therefore present our Freakin’ Fabulous Final Four brackets!

Richard Burbage vs. Richard III

It’s a Richard III battle: the man himself versus the first actor to portray him in Shakespeare’s Richard III. I have a feeling we all know how this is going to shake out: usually, the original is the best.

Dick Grayson vs. Richard Hennessy

Comic book hero versus eponymous cognac mogul. Dick Grayson doesn’t drink much (comics have varied between him flat-out saying he doesn’t drink to showing him having an occasional beer), while Hennessy was an eighteenth-century Irish mercenary – meaning he must have imbibed a shit-ton of alcohol over his lifetime. Both are fighters: one in the war on crime, the other in actual wars.

You know what to do! Please e-mail your votes to me at dicksihavestudied@gmail.com or post in the comments.

Dick Madness Round Four!!!!

Round Four (also known as the Quarter Finals) has arrived! Thanks again to everyone who has voted.

It’s becoming a bit difficult to develop categories, so I’m throwing in the towel. Vote for whichever Dick you prefer!

Once again, I have included two pictures of the bracket; one is a close-up of this round, which you can hopefully read.

Dick Madness Round Four

Left Side:

Richard Burbage vs. Charles Dickens

A true Shakespearean player squares off against a towering figure of Victorian novels. Both were wordy – Burbage was known for playing leading roles that involved a bunch of lines while Dickens got paid by the word (and it shows).

Richard J. Daley vs. Richard III

Yet another political battle. Daley was the long-serving mayor of Chicago, while Richard III was a short-serving king of England. Both have skeletons in their closet: Daley was a bit racist and Richard III murdered his nephews.

Right Side:

Dick Grayson vs. Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker

Here we have a fictional crime fighter vs. a real-life serial killer. I know who I would rather meet in a dark alley. This is especially true because the Night Stalker has gross rotten teeth (courtesy of eating bad food and never brushing) and Dick Grayson seems to have pretty good teeth (fictional people often do. It’s so easy to keep your fake teeth looking good). I hate bad teeth; if I was going to be murdered, I’d at least want it to be by someone debonair like Hannibal Lector.

Moby Dick vs. Richard Hennessy

The great white sperm whale is going strong, much to Captain Ahab’s regret. Moby now has to withstand attacks from Irish mercenary and cognac connoisseur Richard Hennessy.

Same bat-drill (same bat-e-mail) with the ballot. Please e-mail it to me at dicksihavestudied@gmail.com or post in the comments. You can either bold or underline your votes; another option is to delete the person you are NOT voting for. Vote for all or vote for a few!

Dick Madness Official Ballot for Round Four

Left Side:

Richard Burbage vs. Charles Dickens

Richard J. Daley vs. Richard III

Right Side:

Dick Grayson vs. Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker

Moby Dick vs. Richard Hennessy

Dick Madness Round Three!!!

Here we are, already on Round Three. Thanks again to everyone who has voted. I really appreciate your input!

We only had one shut-out this time, with Richard III putting the smack down on his distantly-related ancestor, Richard, earl of Cornwall and King of the Romans. Poor Cornwall; he had a good run. I had to break two ties this time: Richard Hennessy vs. Richard Brooke Garnett and Rick Springfield vs. Rick James. I went with Hennessy as a sop to my brother; also, Garnett was a Confederate general and I’m a Union supporter. I allowed Rick Springfield to defeat Rick James because Springfield is actually named Richard. “I’m Rick James, bitch!” can only take a man so far.

It’s becoming a bit difficult to categorize these contests, so my apologies if the categories seem lame and/or overdrawn.

I have included two pictures of the bracket; one is a close-up of this round, which you can hopefully read.

Dick Madness Round Three

Left side:

Entertainers:

Richard Burbage vs. Keith Richards

Burbage was a Shakespearean actor in the truest sense of the word: he acted in Shakespeare’s plays alongside William Shakespeare. Keith Richards is one of the most important members of The Rolling Stones and played a pirate in a movie.

Yet another Last-Name Battle:

Dick Butkus vs. Charles Dickens

Butkus is an unfortunately-named football player. Dickens, obviously, is a famous Victorian writer. Dickens has been riding high in this tournament, even though he barely qualifies for inclusion. Something might have to be done about that.

Politicians:

Richard J. Daley vs. Richard Cromwell

I was rather disappointed that Dick Whittington was vanquished by a modern mayor, but I shall endeavor to soldier on. Daley was a long-serving mayor of Chicago, who helped the city avoid the fate of Detroit (becoming the butt of numerous jokes). Daley, however, failed to do much to integrate Chicago housing, which was not so great of him. Cromwell had a long life, but a short political career as Protector after the death of his father Oliver Cromwell. Richard Cromwell tried hard but he wasn’t really cut out for politics and spent the rest of his post-Protector days either in exile or living off the allowance his children provided for him.

Medieval:

Richard Rolle vs. Richard III

Rolle was a recluse and mystic, writing about the fire of God’s love. Most likely, Rolle died of the plague, being carried off to meet his Maker in the first big outbreak (around 1349). Richard III was a duke and a king, who died (possibly for lack of a horse) on Bosworth Field. Oh yeah, and Richard III probably murdered his nephews, from whom he had usurped the throne (can’t forget that one!).

Right side:

Art (this is an overdrawn category!):

Dick Grayson vs. Richard Dadd

Dick Grayson (member of the Batman Family) is a fictional comic book character, who has been drawn by various and sundry people. Although Dick’s personal aptitude for art has never been explored, he’s provided inspiration and paychecks for many an artist. Richard Dadd was an actual artist, known for his extremely-intricate fairy/fantasy paintings. Dadd also suffered from mental illness and spent his later life in an asylum (after he had killed his father). Thankfully, Dadd was allowed to paint while in the hospital; some of his most famous work was done after he was institutionalized.

Foreign-Sounding Last Names:

Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker vs. Richard Strauss

Another example of me grasping at straws. By foreign-sounding I mean “not English” (language, not country), as the Night Stalker was from Texas. Richard Ramirez murdered numerous people in California in 1985 and he’s still on death row in California today. In either the late 1990s or early 2000s (I forget which), he got married while in prison to a woman who had been writing him letters. As far as I know, they’re still married, even though they must rarely see each other and never have sex (apparently California forbids conjugal visits for those on death row). Richard Strauss was actually foreign, being of German-Austrian extraction and living in Europe throughout his life. He was a famous late-Romantic composer.

Random:

Moby Dick vs. Richard, duke of York (d. 1460)  

I totally threw in the towel on categorizing this match-up. Moby Dick, the great white whale of literary fame, is facing off against Richard, duke of York, father of Richard III and Edward IV. The duke also helped bring about the Wars of the Roses, so he might be responsible for more deaths than the giant sperm whale.

Pop Culture:

Richard Hennessy vs. Rick Springfield

Hennessy, while originally a man, is now also a beverage. His cognac is favored by the gangster-rap crowd and has received a shout-out or two in hip-hop lyrics. Rick Springfield is a lame pop singer known for “Jessie’s Girl.” This week I realized that “Jessie’s Girl” is spelled ie rather than just e; isn’t that the girl spelling of Jessie? Should a man spell it Jesse? I realize I shouldn’t be so gendered, but maybe Rick can’t have Jessie’s girl because said girl isn’t interested in men.

Same drill with the ballot. Please e-mail it to me at dicksihavestudied@gmail.com or post in the comments. You can either bold or underline your votes; another option is to delete the person you are NOT voting for. Vote for all or vote for a few!

Dick Madness Official Ballot for Round Three

Left side:

Entertainers: Richard Burbage vs. Keith Richards

Last Name: Dick Butkus vs. Charles Dickens

Politicians: Richard J. Daley vs. Richard Cromwell

Medieval: Richard Rolle vs. Richard III

Right side:

“Art:” Dick Grayson vs. Richard Dadd

“Foreign Names:” Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker vs. Richard Strauss

Random: Moby Dick vs. Richard, duke of York (d. 1460) 

Pop Culture: Richard Hennessy vs. Rick Springfield

Dick Madness Round Two!!

*Happy International Women’s Day, everyone! A blog dedicated to people named Richard is not the most likely place to go to celebrate this epic day, but there you have it.

First, many thanks to those who voted. I sincerely appreciate your input. To those of you reading but not voting – please vote! I won’t bite; in fact, I will send you a thank-you e-mail (enticing, I know).

Second, a few observations before I reveal the Round Two bracket. We had several almost shut-outs. Richard Burton (the writer, adventurer, etc.) was thoroughly trounced by Richard Wright. I guess that’s what Burton gets for being racist! Same with Wagner; I believe his anti-Semitism probably made most people vote for Strauss. We had two actual shut-outs: Richard III completely annihilated Richard II. I chalk this up largely to my own incessant prattling about Richard III (surprise: everyone who voted personally knows me and has listened to me yap about Richard III). I had no idea I was so influential. Dick York also shut-out Dick Sargent. Most people must not have noticed the change on Bewitched!

For me, one shocker was that Richard Lewis almost beat Richard Pryor (are there a lot of Curb Your Enthusiasm fans reading this blog?). At the last minute, though, Pryor came from behind and snagged a victory.

Furthermore, we have many compassionate folks reading. Almost everyone voted for Richard le Rakiere, the unfortunate who drowned to death in feces soup. I’m guessing people did this because they felt bad for the poor sap; otherwise, you all must be plotting to kill your enemies. People also expressed their deep-seated dislike of Rick Santorum. I feel you there, people, but the man does rock the sweater vest as only the most special of douche-bags can. All right, enough of this clap-trap. I will not give a run-down of every category or we’d be here forever. Although….

Third, a special spotlight on one winner: Richard Burbage. A few people voted for Richard Mansfield, which is fine, but I kind of feel like everyone would have voted for Burbage had I posted this story. [Many thanks to my erudite Canadian friend for sending me this divine quote!]

From The Diary of John Manningham of the Middle Temple 1602-1603 [I have modernized the spelling and punctuation.]

“Upon a time when Burbage played Richard III, there was a citizen grew so far in liking with him, that before she went from the play she appointed him to come that night unto her by the name of Richard III. Shakespeare, overhearing their conclusion, went before, was entertained, and at his game before Burbage came. The message being brought that Richard III was at the door, Shakespeare caused return to be made that William the Conqueror was before Richard III. Shakespeare’s name [was] William.” [told by Mr. Touse; see page 75]

Shakespeare and his cronies were players in more than one sense!

Without further ado, the new bracket is below. Explanations follow, along with the ballot.

Left Side:

Actors Part Deux:

Richard Burton vs. Richard Burbage

Burton was an attractive, skilled actor of the twentieth century. I’m not sure how handsome Burbage was, but he seems to have had no trouble snagging the ladies (provided his buddy Willy Shakespeare didn’t get there first).

Ummmm?

Keith Richards vs. Dick Clark

I’m not quite sure what to title this face-off. Both were involved with music, but in such disparate capacities that they cannot be compared. And recently, Keith is famous for having a cameo as a pirate (no doubt make-up took ten times longer than he spent on screen), while Clark is famous for recovering from a stroke and valiantly keeping Ryan Seacrest from taking over the Rockin’ New Year’s Eve telecast.

Rich Dicks:

Dick Butkus vs. Richard Vandermarck

I assume Butkus is rich because he was a professional football player (with a terrible name). Richard Vandermarck was fictionally rich; his money almost got him the woman of his dreams. Then she dumped him and came crawling back years later. Assuming these two fictional people married, Richard Vandermarck was then extra-rich because his wife was also loaded.

Tackling Social Issues:

Charles Dickens vs. Richard Pryor

Charles Dickens, famous Victorian author extraordinaire, devoted a lot of ink to detailing the plight of the poor and disenfranchised, criticizing social stratification and institutional corruption. Pryor made his name in comedy through his willingness to wax comedic about the pressing issues of the day (namely, racism).

Mayors:

Dick Whittington vs. Richard J. Daley

Dick Whittington was Lord Mayor of London three times (and that’s fact, not legend like his cat). Richard J. Daley ran Chicago like a boss (the corrupt political kind, not the Bruce Springsteen sort).

Ineffective Politicians:

Richard Cromwell vs. Richard Mentor Johnson

Cromwell was unable to control the army after his father, Oliver, died. His ineffective rule enabled the restoration of the monarchy in England. Johnson was a career politician, but he was basically fired from his job as vice president by Martin van Buren. Seriously, if you’re fired by a forgettable one-termer such as van Buren, you must have been pretty bad at being VP.

“Literary:”

Richard Rolle vs. “Richard Cory”

Richard Rolle was a fairly-prolific medieval mystic. Besides writing about the fire of God’s love (burning inside him, rather like St. Elmo’s fire), he also wrote tracts for religious women and Latin Biblical commentaries. Richard Cory didn’t actually write anything (because he’s fictional), but he is the title character to both a poem and a song. To qualify as literary, that’s good enough for government work!

Kings (again!):

Richard III vs. Richard, earl of Cornwall (and King of the Romans)

I just keep the monarchs coming! Richard III was king of England (as we’ve established), and he murdered his nephews. Richard, earl of Cornwall, also managed to get elected King of the Romans (which was precursor to being Holy Roman Emperor). Even after being elected king, though, he still spent most of his time in England.

Right side:

Crime-Busting Dicks:

Dick Wolf vs. Dick Grayson

While Wolf does not personally fight crime (to the best of my knowledge), he gave birth to the Law & Order family, which has been busting murderers and rapists for over twenty years. Wolf has helped bring to life some of the most awesome police officers in TV history, including Lennie Briscoe, greatest fictional cop ever. However, Wolf is a Republican.

            Dick Grayson is … seriously, we’ve been through this before. He’s connected to Batman. Fun fact: he was once a cop in the awesomely named (fictional) city of Blüdhaven. How that place wasn’t teeming with vampires is beyond me. Anyway, Dick was a cop and Bruce Wayne hated it. Obviously it’s better to fight crime by violating civil liberties, wearing a costume, and only using your fists and bat-themed non-lethal gadgets than it is to work within the confines of the Constitution, wear a uniform, have a badge, and carry a gun. Elementary, my dear Watsons.         So, who will it be – the Republican who gave us Lennie Briscoe and Olivia Benson or Batman’s original Boy Wonder?

Murderers:

Richard Dadd vs. Richard Rich

The parent categories of this race (Artist and Political Jerks) were both neck and neck, and could have gone either way. In the end, I went with Richard Dadd because, much as I love Fremont, Ohio and Batman, I have a soft spot in my heart for people whose lives are disrupted by mental illness. As for Richard Rich, the indignant exclamation of my early-modernist friend (“Richard Rich tortured Anne Askew with his own hands!”) convinced me that he was the bigger jerk.

            Therefore, we have a face-off between murderers. Dadd killed his dad because the voices in his head said his father was evil. Rich was a skanky liar who tortured women and got Thomas More executed. What a douche.

Shitty Dicks:

Richard le Rakiere vs. Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker 

Richard le Rakiere fell into a privy and drowned in poop. That’s pretty much all we know about the poor guy. I’m hoping his life was better than his death (although I can’t claim it smelled much better). The Night Stalker is a famous serial killer. If multiple murders don’t qualify you as a POS, I don’t know what does.

Entertainers:

Dick York vs. Richard Strauss

This seems to be a high-brow vs. low-brow cultural battle. Do you prefer to sip vintage wine and nibble on a cheese plate while listening to the melodious strains of classical music? Or would you rather swill beer, eat chips, and watch the boob-tube? Tough call.

Legitimately Literary:

Moby Dick vs. Richard Wright

Moby Dick, the great white whale. In the novel, he represents different things to different people; right now, on this blog, he stands for nineteenth-century American literature. Richard Wright was a writer (heh heh) in the twentieth century.

“Inventors:”

Richard Steiff vs. Richard, duke of York (d. 1460)

Hmm, another set of guys with pretty much nothing in common. As noted previously, Steiff invented the teddy bear. Richard, duke of York “invented” (liberally speaking) the Wars of the Roses by pressing his claim to the crown. You might be thinking “War! What is it good for?” but many historians have made their livings dishing on the Wars of the Roses. Also, the wholesale slaughter of the nobility might have helped the Tudors to gain a death-grip on power and put those same nobles in their places (kissing the butt of the monarch).

Soldiers:

Richard Hennessy vs. Richard Brooke Garnett

Although Hennessy is known for his cognac, he was originally a mercenary. An Irishman who served Louis XV in France, he founded his distillery on the land the king gave him as a reward. “Richard Hennessy” is also the “top end in the permanent Hennessy range,” selling for a mere £1,950 on the Whisky Exchange website. I’m guessing I’ll never taste any of this stuff!

            As noted last week, Richard Brooke Garnett was a Confederate general who died at Gettysburg. He was a career soldier, attending West Point, and serving in the US Army until the Civil War broke out. As a native of Virginia, he followed his state.

Singers:

Rick Springfield vs. Rick James

“Jessie’s Girl” vs. “Super Freak.” What kind of girl do you want (or want to be)?

Same drill with the ballot. Please e-mail it to me at dicksihavestudied@gmail.com or post in the comments. You can either bold or underline your votes; another option is to delete the person you are NOT voting for. Vote for all or vote for a few!

Dick Madness Official Ballot for Round Two

Left side:

Actors Part Deux: Richard Burton vs. Richard Burbage

Ummmm? Keith Richards vs. Dick Clark

Rich Dicks: Dick Butkus vs. Richard Vandermarck

Tackling Social Issues: Charles Dickens vs. Richard Pryor

Mayors: Dick Whittington vs. Richard J. Daley

Ineffective Politicians:  Richard Cromwell vs. Richard Mentor Johnson

“Literary:” Richard Rolle vs. “Richard Cory”

Kings (again!): Richard III vs. Richard, earl of Cornwall (and King of the Romans)

Right side:

Crime-Busting Dicks: Dick Wolf vs. Dick Grayson

Murderers: Richard Dadd vs. Richard Rich

Shitty Dicks: Richard le Rakiere vs. Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker 

Entertainers: Dick York vs. Richard Strauss

Legitimately Literary: Moby Dick vs. Richard Wright

“Inventors:” Richard Steiff vs. Richard, duke of York (d. 1460)

Soldiers: Richard Hennessy vs. Richard Brooke Garnett

Singers: Rick Springfield vs. Rick James