The Rules of Attraction

The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis is a novel about over-sexed, drug-addled undergraduates at an elite liberal arts college in 1980s New Hampshire. It’s comedic in many places, but also quite sad in many others. Various people pine over others who barely realize they exist, people commit suicide, girls get pregnant and have abortions but are offered little to no support by those around them, everybody drinks (and does drugs) way too much, and girls get date raped. Whew. I swear, though, there are funny parts!

I’m actually just going to talk about a small portion of the book – obviously, the part that involves a Dick. One of the main characters, Paul Denton, is summoned to Boston to visit his mother, who flew in from Chicago with her friend Mrs. Jared. Mrs. Jared’s son, Richard (a student at Sarah Lawrence and Paul’s friend since childhood), also comes to Boston.

It is soon revealed that, although Richard and Paul were pretty close in high school, they are mostly friends with benefits. As he waits for Richard to arrive, Paul remembers that he has had sex with Richard before. Later, Richard arrives epically drunk and disheveled, but Paul still notes that he is pretty hot.

During the short visit, Richard proves to be both a major jerk and somewhat cute. He’s exceptionally crass at the dinner table, telling a horribly racist joke and continually molesting Paul’s penis with his foot (would that be a foot job?). Richard then leaves the table, goes to a movie, and returns to the room he and Paul are sharing several hours later.

Back in the room, Richard is less tedious. Maybe the movie sobered him up a tad. Anyway, he’s kind of cute then, reminiscing with Paul and flirting with him. Then the two have sex. Paul leaves early the next morning, although that’s mainly because he’s irritated at his mother and wants to get back to his untrustworthy pseudo-significant other on campus.

Two other things are worth mentioning. One, Paul shows signs throughout the book of being an unreliable narrator, so it’s entirely possible that much of what we, as readers, know about Richard isn’t true. However, it’s likely true, as there is some other evidence to back up Paul’s claims.

Two: a couple of times, Richard insists that he wants to be called “Dick.” This leads me to an exciting new corollary to my (just now dubbed but already proven largely false) Van-Wilder-Theorem-on-Fictional-Dicks: if you want to show in a blatant way that your male character is largely a sex object, name him Dick/Richard.

*My Van-Wilder Theorem was introduced here. In brief, I speculate that authors name certain male antagonists Dick in order to immediately convey to the audience that these characters are, in fact, dicks. So far, this holds true for Van Wilder and Crocodile Dundee.

And as a bonus, a fun quote from Paul (who wants to have sex with a guy he doesn’t know is gay or straight):

“I wondered suddenly if he was Catholic. My spirits rose: Catholic boys will usually do anything.”

Insert your own tasteless joke!

A Man and Some Women

Although the above is not a George Bernard Shaw play (it’s by Githa Sowerby), my mom recently saw it performed at the Shaw Festival in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, Canada. She has obligingly given me a full report, but this is second-hand Dick for me (I suppose making it third-hand Dick for you all).

Anyway the man from A Man and Some Women is named Richard Shannon, which is why he gets a spot on this illustrious blog. The play was originally written in 1913 and first produced in Manchester, UK in October 1914. Unfortunately, World War I had already broken out, limiting the play’s run. It fell into obscurity and was not produced again until 1996. This is a shame because it’s a fascinating look at how gender constraints on women oppress, define, and limit both men and women.

The play begins with Richard supporting his wife Hilda and his two unmarried sisters, Rose and Elizabeth. Unbeknownst to the sisters, their recently-deceased mother mismanaged the family’s money, essentially leaving them without an inheritance. Richard thus has to support all three of these women on his salary. It’s because Richard has so many dependents that he gave up his job as a scientist (which he loved) and become a businessman. This leaves Richard overworked and unfulfilled, while his women keep house (aka “do nothing”).

A former professor of Richard’s gets in contact with him, offering him a scientific job in Brazil. Richard longs to take the job, but he feels he cannot because he would not make enough money to adequately support his women. But after his sister Rose precipitates a family crisis, Richard decides the jig is up. He tells his women that he has been supporting them on his relatively meager salary, and that he simply cannot do it anymore. They need to get jobs.

Richard even breaks it off with his wife, whom he accuses of only wanting him for his money (and thereby being little different from a mistress who uses a man and then ditches him when the money runs out – an experience Richard had in his youth). Richard gives Hilda some money and they separate. Richard attempts to start a relationship with Jessica, his educated, self-reliant cousin whom he loves (and who loves him in return), but Jessica says she does not want to leech off him the way the other three women have. In the end, Richard goes to Brazil for a year to participate in the scientific expedition; once he returns, who knows what the future will hold?

According to my mom and her theatre-going companions, sister Rose is a major bitch. She is incredibly self-centered and self-righteous, which is a dangerous combination when one is essentially a parasite on society. Wife Hilda is little better, constantly resenting Richard’s sisters for taking money she believes to be hers. Sister Elizabeth is pretty cool and laments her lack of useful skills. Cousin Jessica represents a turn-of-the-century “New Woman,” an educated and self-supporting woman. Together, these women represent the old Victorian order and the new way.

Seems like I’m going to have to read this one!

Richard Dudgeon

Richard Dudgeon is the protagonist of The Devil’s Disciple by George Bernard Shaw. It was apparently Shaw’s eighth play, but his first commercial success (the original production starred Richard Mansfield, who was briefly suspected to have been Jack the Ripper. See his blog post here.).

The play takes place in a small New Hampshire town during the American Revolution. The people in the town are Puritans (or Congregationalists or whatever they were calling themselves then), and Richard rejects their conservative, judgmental religion, which leads to him branding himself “The Devils’ Disciple.” [I am not exactly sure if Richard technically worships the devil or if he just claims allegiance to him because he rejects the hypocrisy of organized religion. I am leaning towards the latter].

Anyway, the play begins with the reading of Mr. Dudgeon’s will (he has died off-screen, if you will). Richard shows up to hear the will read, much to the chagrin of his extremely shrill, terrible, judgmental mother (okay, she’s a bitch). As the lawyer reads, it is revealed that Mr. Dudgeon revised his will to ensure that Richard, rather than his wife, inherited. [This was in line with old-time inheritance practices. In medieval England, widows only received one-third of the estate, while heirs received two-thirds]. Mrs. Dudgeon flies into a rage and vows never to live in the house with her good-for-nothing son; Richard promptly concurs and tells her she isn’t welcome. Richard, however, does invite his cousin Essie to stay with him. Essie is the young illegitimate daughter of his deceased uncle, who Mrs. Dudgeon never liked, courtesy of her having been conceived in sin. This is the first sign that Richard is a good person.

In the second act, Richard goes into town to visit the pastor and his wife, Judith. The pastor is away at Mrs. Dudgeon’s deathbed (her ire at her husband rapidly did her in), so Richard waits at Judith’s insistence. When the pastor is delayed, the two sit down to tea. Shortly thereafter, British troops burst into the house and proceed to arrest Richard, thinking he is the pastor. They intend to hang him the next day as a traitor to the crown. Richard orders Judith not to tell her husband and is led away, intending to die in the pastor’s place the next day. Of course, when Pastor Anthony returns home, Judith breaks down and tells him the whole story. The pastor immediately takes off, and Judith is left thinking he is a consummate coward.

In act three, Judith visits Richard, both out of gratitude and to ask if he offered himself because he loved her. Richard disabuses her of that notion, asserting that he did so simply because he felt it would be wrong to save his own skin by sentencing another to death [I think it is also implied that Richard feels Pastor Anthony is more worthy of life than him, al lá Sydney in A Tale of Two Cities]. Although Richard’s true identity is revealed at his trial, he is sentenced to die anyway because someone needs to be hanged as an example. As Richard is about to be hanged, General Burgoyne orders a pause so that he can meet with an American officer, flush from a recent victory. The officer turns out to be Pastor Anthony, who bargains for Richard’s release. Afterwards, the pastor reveals that he is better suited to be a soldier, while Richard seems better suited to be a minister. He suggests Richard replace him, although the play ends before we know for sure if Richard is going to become the town preacher.

Richard is thus a Christ-like figure, although he manages to escape with his life, unlike Jesus and Richard’s literary buddy, Sydney from A Tale of Two Cities. Although Richard is initially shown to be an outcast, mostly because his mother hates him, he is on top of the world at the end of the play. With his mother dead, everyone is free to judge him on his own merits – and people like him.

I heartily recommend that everyone read this play – it’s really fun. Plus, it has a great liberal message. You do not have to be a “Christian” to be a good person. Personally, that’s a message that we all need to hear.

Richard Flink

As promised, a fictional Richard.

Richard Flink is the sort-of boyfriend of Amelia, the middle-school-aged protagonist of the children’s series Angel By My Side. I freely admit that this kind of thing is not my usual reading material; I only read the trilogy because my grandmother gave me a copy of the third book. It sat on my shelf for a while until I randomly opened it to a page and saw there was a character named Richard. About two hours later (these books are short), I had finished it. Since I had started with book three, I felt the urge to read the first two. I was able to get the first book from my local library; I had to wait until I was in college and my public library joined a consortium to read the second. And that’s partially why I still remember these books: I was 18 and reading a book for ten-year-olds. Ahh well. I will stop at almost nothing to get my Dick fix.

Any who, it’s been a while since I read these books, but they’re pretty standard feel-good kiddy faire. Despite involving guardian angels, they aren’t overly preachy – I didn’t feel like religion was being shoved down my throat. They do, however, deal with the now-trite aphorism that beauty is on the inside.

Book One is Angel By My Side: Amelia’s Story. The kids are in sixth grade and the end-of-the-year dance is coming up. Amelia feels ugly and invisible and has no one to go with. Her best friend Shura has a devil-may-care attitude, eschewing the idea that you need a date for a dance. Not that it ultimately matters because Richard Flink, loveable dork, has a crush on Amelia and asks her to the dance. Awwww.  We are also introduced to Amelia’s divorced mother and little sister, who communicates with her guardian angel.

Book Two is Angel By My Side: Lily’s Story. Shura had perished in an off-screen plane crash, which is a real WTF in my opinion. It just seems so random – I mean plane crashes are pretty rare. Anyway, Amelia is dealing with Shura’s death, as well as working on some cheesy book about beauty being on the inside. I think it’s called Swan Songs (as in the ugly duckling bit), so the unoriginality and lameness is exploding off the page; but the girl’s supposed to be about thirteen, so I guess I should cut her some slack. It is in this book that Amelia starts communicating with her guardian angel, Lily, who helps her get through Shura’s death. At some point, Amelia goes on a date with Richard and they hold hands (so cute); her book also gets published and her mom marries this awesome blind guy named Mr. C.

Book Three is Angel By My Side: Grace’s Story. Things sort of get good in this book. Now that Amelia’s life is in ship-shape, it’s time for her to start helping others. Lily tasks her with befriending Grace “Slick” Jamison, a girl who has fallen in with the wrong crowd (and is a total “wrong crowd” stereotype). It’s tough going in the beginning, but, long-story short, Grace is “saved” in the end. Huzzah! More importantly, in this book we discover that Richard’s parents are both English professors (bitchin’) and we see more of Richard’s love of Shakespeare. Yes, Richard is a middle-school boy who wears braces and quotes Shakespeare – I love him so much, yet I can’t understand why he isn’t beaten up regularly. I mean, these people live in Los Angeles for heaven’s sake. Must be because he goes to private school once he reaches middle school age. They might be a little more tolerant of nerds than the general population of the LAUSD.

To sum-up: Richard Flink is the nerdy, Shakespeare-quoting whiz kid of professor parents. He’s an only child, is quite gentlemanly, and is content with hand holding. He’s so going to grow up to be the humanities counterpart to those guys on The Big Bang Theory.

I wish I could elaborate more on Richard, but there really isn’t much more to say. He’s basically the thirteen-year-old version of the boyfriend any studious, serious, average-looking girl would want. As an older person, I look at his character and think “aren’t you adorable.” And then I try to pat him on the head.

These works are hardly prize-winning literature, but if you want something interesting, yet vaguely wholesome, for your kid to read, you could do lot worse than these books. After all, these books have a Dick in them, which automatically gives them an edge in my book.

Richard Dawson

I lied. I know I said that June was going to be “Fictional Richard Month,” but that was before Richard Dawson died on Saturday, June 2. Because my dad enjoyed watching re-runs of the 1970s version of Match Game on the Game Show Network, I intended to do a post about Dawson (who sat in the center position in the first row). Since he has passed on to the great game show in the sky, there’s no time like the present to extol his Match Game prowess.

But first, some shocking news: Richard Dawson was not born Richard Dawson! His birth name was Colin Lionel Emm; he eventually took Richard Dawson as his stage name and later legally changed it.

Richard was born in November 1932 in Hampshire England; his father was American and his mother was English. At age 14 he ran away to join the Merchant Marine (that sounds so Victorian); after his discharge, he took up acting and the stage name Richard Dawson.

Dawson’s first big success was as Corporal Peter Newkirk on Hogan’s Heroes. I must admit that I have never seen this show, but I have heard of it, so I know it was pretty popular in its time. After that, Dawson did a stint on The New Dick van Dyke Show before finding his niche – game shows. Richard was regular on Match Game ’73 and was well-liked by contestants and audiences. He was often chosen by contestants to participate with them in the final round, wherein the contestant and Richard’s answers had to match exactly. From the episodes I have seen, Richard was pretty funny and could be counted on not to come up with overly obscure answers. Unlike some of the celebrities, he had a knack for selecting the most common, most average answer, which was the point of the show. It made sense that so many contestants picked him for the final round – they had a good chance of winning with him.

In July 1976, Richard began hosting Family Feud. He continued to participate on Match Game until 1978, after which he focused exclusively on Family Feud. It was a good move – Family Feud had great ratings success and Richard won the 1978 Daytime Emmy for Best Game Show Host. Richard continued to host Family Feud until the show was cancelled in 1985. During his time on the show, he kissed all of the female contestants for good luck, which was apparently something he picked up from his mother (although presumably she was kissing him and not random females). According to Wikipedia, Richard’s trademark kissing “was one of the things that made the show appear to be a warm and friendly program, and he soon garnered the nickname The Kissing Bandit.” Nickname aside, I find this hilarious proof that the late 1970s and 1980s were a simpler time. If a game-show host today was kissing all of his female contestants, I think people would find that sketchy, not “warm and friendly.” But, hey, maybe Richard could get away with it because he was European (he became a naturalized US citizen in 1984).

Richard appeared as a parody of game-show hosts in the film The Running Man, a decent performance in an otherwise pretty-shitty movie (to paraphrase Roger Ebert). He also hosted the revived Family Feud from 1994 to 1995; he was asked to appear in the first episode of the current iteration, but he declined. He was well and truly retired.

During his hosting stint in the ‘90s, Richard did not kiss the female contestants because he had promised his wife and daughter that he wouldn’t. He was able to get away with all that kissing in the 1970s because he was divorced. Richard was married for a time in the 1960s and had two sons with his first wife. After they divorced he gained custody of the boys and didn’t remarry until 1991. When he did remarry it was to a woman he had met in 1981 when she was a contestant on Family Feud (which is a little bit weird, as she was probably pretty young in 1981 – but maybe not!).

Richard died at age 79 on 2 June 2012 in Los Angeles. He had esophageal cancer. He left behind a widow, two sons, one daughter, and five grandchildren.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Dawson